Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize