i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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