You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
