I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
