I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
