i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The air was thick with penises
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
