I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
