it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
