who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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