I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
