Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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