If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
