apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
