last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
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