you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
