i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
