I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
