Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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