Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
