My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
