My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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