I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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