Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
