I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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