Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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