Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
