it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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