happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
