Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
