I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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