my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize