I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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