Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
In America we eat man semen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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