Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
