does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
