did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
