Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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