My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need a beard to bite.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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