Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
