im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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