Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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