I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize