dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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