ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
