All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
