a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
