Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
