How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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