I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
