My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
