Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize