Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
