You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
