Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
