Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
