my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
