She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
